Rules of Engagement

1. When in doubt, accelerate!

2. Be prepared to ram into anything stopping you that is wearing uniform in Lagos (police, traffic 

warden, FRSC, Kai brigade, fire brigade, VIO, LASTMA, LAMATA, LASWA)

3. If you get caught by any chance, do not allow them to enter your car, if they happen to get in do not drive from that spot (veer off traffic & settle promptly), and if they don’t agree, pretend that you are calling your uncle who is in the army (believe me it always works), never follow them to any sort of office except you are ready to pay ten times more than what was demanded.

Guardian of The Group (Short Story by Roover)

“He’s a very nice man,” Dr Sarah smiled at me. ‘Honestly, he is the guardian angel in the group.

He behaves more like the devil if you ask me.’ I said grumpily. I had just been assigned to Dr Idowu’s group in surgery department from Accident and Emergency and I wasn’t enjoying it one bit.

I was a medical officer just employed in the government hospital at Warri and the place was always busy. It seemed every morning the inhabitants of the town woke up from a good night’s sleep and decided to engage in all sorts of harmful activities which ensured we had a good share of Accident and Emergency cases coming into the department every single day.

Naija Police I Hail Thee

The fear of armed bandits is the beginning of wisdom for the average Nigerian police officer, who have now become easy target for shooting practice by thousands of dangerous armed bandits roaming our street.

An officer once dead, his or her family are practically on their own save for an occasional grave side oration by the officer's state commissioner and the payment of meagre terminal benefits which almost immediately become the subject matter of deep extended family rancour before the slain officer's body rests in the grave.

For decades now, our police officers have had to devise their own survival strategies. I remember vividly an incident at a police checkpoint for particular or party kolas depending on the disposition of the officer to be examined, a volks wagon danfo some fifty yards ahead suddenly started backfiring within minutes, there was pandemonium, people abandoned their cars while traders on the busy route locked up their shops for fear of nonexistent stray bullets.

Fortunately, the danfo kick-started and the backfiring ceased and there was great calm. It was then the police who manned the checkpoint coming out of gutter and whatever crevices they could dive into to save their lives emerging with their guns threateningly targeted towards the now fast flowing traffic shouting "wey dem wey dem"! That hilarious scenario is replicated almost on a daily basis.

Lies Girls Tell

In our modern day world, there are little lie girls tell which we guys sometimes overlook. While preachers are preaching perfection gospel, girls are adding spices to little white lies, the ones that i have heard are:

"I didn't do anything over the weekend" this translate into, i got drunk while clubbing, hit the bed with a total stranger but they'll tell you i was at home all weekend, so you won't have to find out what really happened.

This is probably closer to the truth "All my life, I've kissed just one guy" no girl has kissed just one guy, any who has is either young or a pretty damn liar.

"I think you're cute", dude wake up, no girl thinks you are cute when you are repulsive or hideous. "I want a sensitive guy", girls don't want sensitive guys, all they really want is a good time, they fritter away their lives away everyday of the week and go to church on Sunday for cleansing.

"I just broke up with my boyfriend, so I'm not going to date for a while", I hear this a lot, they say it to sound like they're not whore but come the first good looking jerk with slick hair and a nice ride, she'll be in bed with him faster than she can contract his STD.

Cups Runneth Over

Across the globe, women seem to be celebrating "take your breast to work everyday" with low cut tops and push up bras in every office, ships etc...we have to ask if you've got it, must you flaunt it?

Wherever you look around these days its impossible not to notice "breast", over exposure had become the norm. Boobs revealing blouses at Sunday services and red carpet, revealing tanks at the gym, boobs, boobs and boobs. Haba!

New Development

Its like we are gradually coming to an end time, but if you ask me i would say it is a 'new development'.

Several armed robbery cases recorded in Lagos and you won't believer it most takes place right inside the church premises, robbers are gradually shifting their attention from banks to churches. Before you know it people would begin to stand in front of your church gates on Sunday "Buy your bulletproof vest here".

Other bad habits that have been taken to churches are "skirt and trouser chasing". These days babes and bobo no longer go to places that used to be the in-thing back in days,where you flaunt your ability to cram anbd recitre literature texts.

These days, a guy would dress up on Sunday morning drench himself in perfume usually the cheap ones and walk off to church with one thick diary that looks like a bible "I suppose block one babe for church" he say. The babes nko! If you want to know the one that didn't come to worship God, this is how to identify them;

1. They look very well before they sit down because they prefer to sit amongst big boys.

2. They share their bible with ease, the moment the pastor says John 4.....they look for one bobo to share with fiam!

3. They are the ones who ask if you are going their way.

A lot of new development dey o!.

Alteration in Lagos City Buses

Those perpetually overloaded mammy wagons that goes by the tag MOLUE hardly attracts any serious attention. Quarrels are the rules rather then the exception,there are many issues to quarrel over but no many of those involved in these quarrels take the confrontation too serious once off the bus.

The garrulous bleating bus conductor is the lead actor,it is he who knows the business and the commuters who doesn't know how to return cantankerously anytime he or she is spoken to in the slightest of unfriendly tone is an Ara Oko who no sabi Lagos. You must never attempt to beat the either overtly rude conductor or the impatient brash commuter but you must join both.

My 2013/2014 in a Flash

When i graduated from University of Uyo i was so positive I would still be in close contact with my cliques (Pàty, Fàshé, Imà) and my peanut butter(Eñø) but NYSC came along and threw us to different part of the country.

I braced myself to the challenges awaiting me at Anambra, during the three weeks in camp i flirted between the Band and the Dance & Drama group, caused plenty of trouble in my Platoon which I nicknamed "Three Plantain" had great buddies like Francis a.k.a J.S.Park whom i nicknamed "Grass cutter"(but na joke o!),Jude a.k.a J-Slim,Hon Kay,Femi,Aity,Amos 33(my real nigga that sees visions each time he hits the bottle),had the 'best' hall in camp(Independence Hostel),couldn't pass out faeces for two weeks which Amos 33 declared 2 days deliverance for me,i courted Sèyí invited her to mammy market but she brought company along(bad market ba),liked Eñìølã (but she was too spirikoko).

21st Century Love

I was watching one of Chris Rock's comedy shows recently where he made a valid point that women cannot go back materialistically.

What he meant by this simply is that women just won't fancy dating any guy who is less financially buoyant than their last boyfriend and if they do, they won't be 'feeling' the other guy s much.

I've had conversations with two of my female friends whose idea of their 'best boyfriend ever' was the guy who spent on them, who got them the expensive stuff and provided them with their heart's desires without them having to even ask. There is nothing any female loves more than when her man gets her some item (be it a shoe, a handbag, a phone etc) she's been pining for without her having to utter a word about it to him. Example, if she's been posting a pic of a pair of shoes on her IG or DP and her man asks why she's so interested in the shoe followed by her shoe size, trust when I say the Shoki the babe will be dancing that day in anticipation of the arrival of the shoes will be enough to send Lil Kesh out of business.

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